A Funny
Baselle said I should kick K-Fed out the door and I almost peed my pants!!!! HAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHHAHAHHAh hHAHAHAHAHH AHHAHAHAHHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! If DH looks like anybody it's Santa but with brown hair and a goatee... So I started picturing kicking Santa out the door and that's when the laughs started!!! hehehehe!!!! Thanks for that, b/c it definitely lifted my mood.
A Question
This is a call to anyone willing to share their experiences. I don't know if it will come down to divorce or not, but I would like some tips on being prepared, if need be, financially speaking. Emotionally speaking is a whole 'nuther story...
OK, here's the facts Jacks.
There are 3 checking accounts total: DH's which has my name on it too, and my two which are in my name only. All bills are paid from my account. There are 2 savings accounts: 1 at the credit union in my name only with my checking accounts, and one online in my name only. DH has $550 direct deposited into my checking account every 2 weeks.
The only debt we have in both of our names is the house, otherwise our CCs are our own, the car and student loan are mine, and the hospital, Honda Card, and inlaws are DH's.
Currently all our money except for his allowance goes into my checking account and I handle it from there. After bills, allowances, and short term savings we have a $1300 excess each month. In ideal times this is used for long term and retirement savings and the rest for debt reduction, but since my job is tenuous right now we've already decided to stash it as a mini EF for the next few months anyways.
When it comes to household income including both of our personal allowances, DH makes 38% of the total brought in, I make 62%. I don't think we've been together long enough for alimony to be awarded (for some reason I'm thinking that's 4 yrs of marriage here but I'm not sure). Even if it were a question, SC doesn't require alimony be paid to an adulterer if that's the proven grounds for divorce.
Lately DH has been lobbying to be added to my credit union checking account since that's where all the household money is in case of an emergency. I had his name added to the actual printed checks but haven't yet added him to the account. I'm pretty sure that if I add him to that account he'll have access to the savings and both checking since they're all available online together when I log in.
So, with that: what're your thoughts?
Waxing Philosophical
What with this week's events and all the New Year resolutions flying around, I've been pondering a bit. Lots of you read my blog about weight issues, and the comments on that entry do a great job of pointing out one sad little fact: no seems to be happy with themselves. An 18 wants to bea 12, a 12 wants to be an 8, an 8 wants to be a 4, and a 4 just isn't happy till they're a 0.
I guess it's not really that folks aren't happy with themselves, it's more a dissatisfaction. And it's not just weight, of course.
Why can't we be satisfied with who we are, where we're at, or what we have? I say we b/c I do this too. I make good money, but there's a part of me that thinks it would be great to make more. I'm in pretty durn good shape, but sometimes I look in the mirror and think "I've gotta do something about this!"
I don't think this is a ladies only affliction, guys do it too just not the same way. Not satisfied with the gadget they have, or the car they have, or the wife/GF they have. And hey, ladies fall prey to all those too sometimes...
And I don't really think it's an age thing, even though there are they sterotypes of mid-life crisis and going through a forced 'rejuvination' (if you want to call it that). Along those lines, I stumbled upon a site about "quarter-life-crises". Real or not? Or just a bunch of dissatisfied people? Hehehehe... Maybe DH is going through a 'quarter-life' crisis *wry smirk*
What I don't know is: this 'whole not being satisfied with what we have and who we are', is this an American condition? Is this the result of living in a competitive, commercialized, disposible culture. Or, is this a human condition? Instead of houses it's huts in place A, and instead of cars it's mules or pigs or chickens in place B.
I can see where, on Darwinian terms, the urge to take the net step up and out would be beneficial. Satisfaction leads to stagnation and complacency, which leads to being the next dinner for a lion, tiger, or bear (Oh My!). So, I can see the urge to move onwards, upwards, and forwards being 'hard wired' so to speak.
But is it really that bad everywhere outside of America? From what I can remember of Argentina, they weren't like this to the extreme so many Americans are. Well, they are in certain ways: apparently plastic surgery down there is like getting braces up here! Seriously, 2 of the reps working part-time had just gotten nose jobs, it's that common.
But in so many other ways, they were content to just be content. Small houses, used cars, lots of shopping and plastic surgery. A weird amalgam of the old-world Europe and rat race USA stereotypes.
So, what do you think? Can we actual be satisfied, or is it human nature to think the grass is always greener on the other side? Is it really possible to be content with just being content?
A Funny, A Question, and Waxing Philosophical
January 6th, 2007 at 02:22 pm
January 6th, 2007 at 02:31 pm 1168093872
January 6th, 2007 at 03:56 pm 1168098990
I know for myself, that some of the problems in my marriage had to do also with me and issues that I thought I had dealt with but hadn't.
As for advice, it's hard to give it because each state is different. I have heard that lawyers will talk to you (like an interview) without charging you and most likely will tell you what you need to do.
Since I was in a support group (and I highly reccommend them), I saw that there is alot of to be done before you can ever think about leaving or divorcing. You have to think things through with your head and not your heart. This is difficult at a time like this. You need to give yourself time to see what you really need to do for yourself; not him. He is no longer your problem right now. He seems to be content to have things the way they are or he would do something on his own to salvage the marriage. What I know is that women have to have some money on the side. Some will keep a bag packed to go at a moments notice, etc.
I owuld definitely seek professional advice. I wish you well.
January 6th, 2007 at 04:09 pm 1168099759
I have a lot of goals but it doesn't necessarily mean I am not contended. Just a slight distinction. I have weight goals and financial goals but I Am not unhappy with where I Am at either.
I notice this a lot in the middle-class out here though. People are just miserable - they always want more. Everyone is always looking at everyone else trying to figure out what makes them so miserable - if you are happy it is impossible. I have people all the time telling me I am a fake and a phony because I am so positive and I must have a lot to hide. *whatever* Anyway, I notice this all the time with women gossip, there is much excitement when they find out someone who puts on a front is truly miserable just like all them. The women I know thrive on putting others down to make themselves feel better. But society seems to be swarming with this attitude. I really have a hard time making girl friends - it generally blows up in BS. I Can't believe 30-40 year-old woman can't simply get along, they act like 2-year-olds. So I Am going off on a rant, but it is all related.
Oh well, my life is not perfect, but if it was it would be boring. There are many challenges, and I Say bring them on! But I am not going to sit and whine about my lot when I have it so good. & I feel like an alien because of this sometime - LOL. It is in vogue to be miserable it seems...
January 6th, 2007 at 04:13 pm 1168100032
If you decide to add him to the household account, I would open another one in my name only to put the rest of my money in so that he doesn't have too much access until you are sure of his intentions. Or stall about the household account.....
My thoughts are with you.
January 6th, 2007 at 06:58 pm 1168109911
A Question:
It looks like your finances are fairly separate as well! That's good! It means that, if disaster should strike, at least you're well-insulated from any financial problems that could arise.
All I did was look up what I look up on the internet how much it would cost to hire attorneys that can handle the separation agreement and divorces, and guess roughly how much I need to save up for the war chest.
For my experience, the old adage, "Marriage is grand, but divorce is ten grand" turned out to be literally true.
Luckily, we avoided the court battle, so I only used up 6 of those 10k (but I filled it back up to 10 since then). But then, I also hired one of the most expensive legal firms in town, so YMMV. You could probably do it all with 5k, but I'm not sure.
Be it through the power of denial or disbelief, I honest didn't think I'd end up divorced. However, I always was the kind of guy to be prepared, and I just figured that even if I don't end up using it for divorce, the money will just roll right back into my regular EF anyway.
That and I highly recommend setting some money aside to pay for counseling and support groups. I agree with Aleta that it's been highly beneficial during the lowest points in my life then. Besides, the hope is that a professional arbiter and support groups can help you patch things up, and I think it's worth the money to explore such an option.
Whatever you decide, I strongly urge you to continue keeping your finances separate. It won't hurt for him to be in the same credit union as you (my ex and I are in fact), but try not to have joint accounts and especially access if you can help it.
Waxing Philosophical:
I think it's possible to be content.
I also think it's normal to contemplate the grass being greener on the other side.
Maybe it just take time and experience to go around block a few times and see for yourself that the grass is indeed not any greener on the other side. At least that's what I tell myself.
Men have their own share of insecurities as well. And no, I'm not talking about having a larger penis... although that does seem to come up quite often.
Stereotypically, men are insecure about how much money they make. It's our equivalent to women worrying about their figure. I suppose one can chaulk it up to Darwinism, in an effort to be more appealing to the opposite sex.
I'd love to say that I'm immune to its effect, buts... I'd be lying if I said that.
Um, I had a point, but through the rambling, I kind of lost it.
Anyway, please take care.
January 6th, 2007 at 07:10 pm 1168110630
January 6th, 2007 at 08:43 pm 1168116201
I sincerely hope things turn out for the best.
January 6th, 2007 at 08:45 pm 1168116325
January 7th, 2007 at 01:04 am 1168131875
anyway that has nothing to do with you. On waxing philosophic:
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can and the wisdom to know the difference, best prayer of my life, most used to...and it helps, I am pretty content, sure there are things I am working on, but so long as there is progress I am happy.
As to the divorce, I agree with looking up a lawyer for a free consulation, and while I do think marriage can be saved, IMO do divorce the man from your bed please, if he does not respect you enough while with you, he does not deserve you and your very nice body...no need for a formal divorce, simply inform him you will not be sharing him, if you are willing to take him back when he is done tell him, if not, tell him that too. (I wouldn't take mine back if he strayed, and he knows it, and he also knows thinking about straying hurts me as much as actually straying)
No ammount of for him sex will 'keep him' in your bed, a man either has the willpower to keep his vows 'in sickness and in health' (in sex and no sex) or he doesn't. If he can't stick arround with just you now, what will happen if you ever get pregnant? trust me that is not a time for men, that is a time of him doing anything and everything for mom. Or how about cancer? where is he going to stray should you be medically incapacitated? If he doesn't have the balls to stay true, and admit a woman deserves to be chereshed and showered with affection, even if she doesn't give sex in return, he never will, man I wish we could tattoo em as a warning for the next girl! but barring that, I so wish more mothers and fathers would teach their sons better (and their daughters, many women accept abuse from men, never thinking how their daughter will accept the same......would you wish him on your beloved daughter? than don't allow him to do it to you, you are a beloved daughter-sorry slightly OT rant)
Your man is hurting you whether he is flirting with cheating, or faking it, or even just being defensive and rude about misleading emails. Either way you are being hurt and he is a jackass to do that to another human being especially one he promised to love and cherish for the rest of his life...
January 7th, 2007 at 05:26 am 1168147600
Just FYI.
January 7th, 2007 at 07:07 am 1168153624
Regarding the question - you could put him on as a joint account, but I'd be suspicious and be prepared to lose any money you put in there. Having an affair gets quite expensive you know, what with buying the new, better underwear and the treats. I think I'd stall on that one. When DH whines, talk about privacy issues.
Also want to be up any community property laws. It sounds like your house is the only thing that is communal. I'd also put the word out amongst your friends (probably not your joint friends). There might be a lawyer friend out there (not necessarily practicing currently) who might give you a little bit of advice, or at least a roadmap.
Regarding the philosophical - I find that contentment and happiness are like peripheral vision. It happens sideways. You can't pursue it like you can a goal, you are it. So its hard for that American striving. What is the American Dream. Not happiness; a house. Me? I want to be at least a size 14 for health reasons and for purely practical reasons - the thrift store pickings are waaaay better at M, Ls, size 14 and under.
January 7th, 2007 at 10:23 am 1168165380
I don't think I can really give you any advice on anything, but if you feel you are not cherished, that your soul is not nurtured in your marriage, that a little piece of you is dying every day because you can not trust, then you must do whatever it takes to take care of yourself, to love yourself, and nurture your own heart, and find a place where you can trust again and heal. Your marriage is in trouble whether your husband is guilty of anything or not. It is in trouble because you can't trust him. And that is what lies at the heart of marriage, trust, complete faith that this man that you've allowed to hold your heart in his hands, will never hurt you. But you can't trust and you do hurt. And you can't live that way for long. Sooner or later you are going to have to talk to him about it again, no matter how much you may not want to. It's the only way to decide whether you can stand up and make a decision to stay or to go. You are a strong woman, Tina, with a fragile heart. It may break, but you will not.
January 8th, 2007 at 12:41 am 1168216868
On stepping up or stepping out...
I haven't read all the replies yet and I will but in a sense of URGENCY I write to you that unless you want to be tied forever to K-Fed then I suggest either NO SEX or get yourself on some form of birth-control pill or make the b*st*rd wear a condom if you do indulge.
Financially you don't want to 'child' with this man at this time in history nor do you wish to come up w/a STD!
Wrap it up sister! *Preferred method of keeping your husband at this point is not to have sex with him but to get him to be honest with you!
Do not have sex w/him to keep him! And watch out for smooth-talking man who wants makeup sex. BEWARE!
January 8th, 2007 at 03:23 am 1168226612
As for the contentment - I, like many people here, have learned to be content without material things, but rather to enjoy the people around me (DH, my children, my parents, siblings, and friends). I like my hobbies, I don't hate my job (I won't say that I LOVE it though!), and I can easily find free or cheap entertainment. I set a goal last year to lose 20 pounds and I did it. I have no desire to lose more. I think we do, as a society, tend to chase after contentment, but I also believe that we can achieve it, so long as we have a good sense of what is truely important. There are people who are convinced that they will be happy when they make more money, or get a new car, or take a vacation, but never have the non-material things in life that make a person happy. These are the ones that will always be looking for more and will never quite be able to fill that void. I think you will find contentment in your life - probably not tomorrow, but you know what is really important in life!
January 8th, 2007 at 08:22 pm 1168287734
~~L.L.Frugalis
January 10th, 2007 at 07:31 pm 1168457471
I did suggest getting a post office box in your name. There may come a day when you want to start directing your mail there instead of to your home.
Take care, Tina.
PS: Please don't listen to anyone who says (a) "Leave him!" or (b) "Stay with him!" This is your decision and no one can pretend to know you or what's best for you.