Bluh.
Catchy, huh? Anywho, I'm feeling not quite great right now, which I'll rant about in a moment. First, let me cover
Why I feel 'ducky'
I had to drive 359 miles round trip (6 hours total) today to make a yearly on-site visit with one of our software clients. The visit took about 1.5 hours, and involved performing the same computerized maintanence we perform every month from 350 miles away... At any rate, after breakfast coffee lunch and gas the trip cost me right around $40. Since i get reimbursed at $0.445 per mile, I will get a check for over $159 for the trip. Gotta love driving a 2-door spec!
Now, why I feel 'yucky'
Bluh.
I'm starting to feel like I'm getting sick. I work w/ someone who has 5 kids; he therefore brings to work the patience of a saint and a lot of germs. Patience good, germs baaaaaaad. I think I've become a short-term living space for several thousand or so (germs, that is!), and am therefore feeling poorly, physically speaking. Plus driving for 6 hours is somehow very tiring.
Mentally speaking, I'm starting to feel a little ragged around the edges and am trying to 'keep my chin up' as they say. I hate chin-ups.
At any rate, cruising around on this site is making me take stock of more than just my stocks, as it were. I felt very warmly welcomed here from the moment I joined, and it's something I'm starting to miss more and more in 'real life'. I lost a lot of friends in June when we closed our center: folks just scattered to the wind all across the country. Other than family and DH's friends, my 'circle of influence' is almost to the point of either being laughable or depressing. Still trying to figure out what to do about that.
Along the same lines, and yet completely unrelated, is the fact that BA's post about feeling lonely made me very sad. Not just for BA, but for myself because it brought up some of my own painful personal memories regarding DH. This is relates to my shrinking circle of influence b/c I've only talked to two people IRL about what happened; one was a work friend and one was our roommate at the time (who now won't talk to us cause he owes us money). I haven't discussed it with family or our mutual friends b/c I don't think it would be appropriate, but it still leaves me with a really big festering yuck that I can't seem to get rid of. I guess that's why I'm spewing it out here, to at least try to get some of it out of my system. Sorry if I got some on you!
Bluh.
And while I don't know if this is yucky or ducky, it is somewhat interesting: I starting to think DH is reading my blog. Little things pop up into conversation that seem almost a little too... convenient.
I have no problems with him reading what I've written since "All names have been changed to protect the innocent" so to speak. But at the same time there is a nagging urge to change what I'm writing, maybe the tone or the rawness, just in case he is out there. I don't think that would be very fair to me, though, to change my words and my thoughts just to protect his ego. Actually, I think that would be pretty darn self-defeating, don't you?
Therefore, kind readers, rest assured that all future entries from tinapbeana will remain, as always, a bit weird, off-topic, and somewhat emotional in a cathartic kind of way. And on a serious note, please know that I appreciate each and every one of your kind words, suggestions, and 'atta-girl's.
Feeling Yucky and Ducky, all at once
November 2nd, 2006 at 04:00 am
November 2nd, 2006 at 05:05 am 1162443956
Don't you change a thing. If Mr. Gotta Have What I Want RIGHT NOW is reading it, he deserves to hear what we all think of his behavior! And how much it hurts you. And you need the support we can give you to deal with his behavior. This is your thing, don't let your uneasiness make it his thing. And maybe, just maybe if he is reading it, he might realize how selfish he is acting and straighten up. I know that he must have some great qualities if you fell for him in the first place, so maybe he can find those good qualities again through snooping.
November 2nd, 2006 at 05:13 am 1162444430
i have a big soft spot for DH (which is how it usually goes, i think!), and pseudo-snarky posts help me get (keep?) an outside perspective. it's really easy to start to think 'maybe it's just my imagination' or 'maybe i'm taking X too seriously' or other such things. an outside perspective helps me realize that my intutions/impressions aren't always off.
November 2nd, 2006 at 07:06 am 1162451196
November 2nd, 2006 at 02:48 pm 1162478933
November 2nd, 2006 at 03:12 pm 1162480352
I didn't mean to make anyone feel bad with my entry though.... Just sort of thinking out loud. The positive spin on my "situation" is that the worst is mostly over so... overall, things can only go up from here.
Unlike you though, I currently do not have the luxury of letting my ex know about my blog, since we're still in the middle of legal wrangling and nothing has been finalized yet. After that, then it won't matter much either way... but for now, I prefer to err on the side of caution.
November 2nd, 2006 at 03:24 pm 1162481050
lux, the underwear comment made me grin! DH asked me to put on a load of socks and undies for him about a week ago (back was hurting, normally he does his own clothes). after i gathered everything together & put it on i told him i appreciated him using the hamper for his dirties, but it didn't make any sense that he also used the BR floor, the BA floor, a laundry basket, and under the bed!
he did look appropriately sheepish (especially since he was the one who lobbied for the special hamper!).