My name is Tina, and I am a member of Spouses of Spenders Anonymous. *Hi Tina!*
I have been married to a spender for 1.5 years, although we've been together 4. My spender acknowledges he's a spender and has given me control of our budget, but it feels that is where the progress stops.
My spender likes toys, and my spender says things like "We make good money, we should be able to buy what we want". Sound familiar? I agree to an extent, but as a Spouse of a Spender, I feel it's irresponsible to spend money on new toys instead of aggresively paying off debt from old toys.
My spender and I had serious relationship problems about a year ago that are still very painful for me. Also, in the last 4 months I have lost my job, we bought a house (it was a wise decision, believe me!), I got a better job, and we bought a car. Needless to say, it's been a stressful time time, full of changes, all that good stuff.
At this point, I'm feeling stuck between a rock and a hard place. I desparately want to get our finances in order, partly I suppose b/c I have recently felt the effects of a layoff. On the other hand, b/c of the issues btwn DH and me, I have a hard time telling him no when he wants something. It makes me feel like a schmuck, and I know I'm not a schmuck.
And so here I am, between a rock and a hard place, balancing my budget and Spendy Spouse.
Frugal Failing #2: Just Say No!
October 19th, 2006 at 11:25 pm
October 19th, 2006 at 11:30 pm 1161300606
October 19th, 2006 at 11:46 pm 1161301596
As a former member of the Spouse of a Spender club, I can relate to you completely!
Tina, I'd like to share an advice you. A suggestion that I feel very, very strongly about. Of course, what you ultimately decide to do is entirely up to you.
Give him an allowance.
I'm totally serious here. The harder you try to lock them out financially, the more they will resent you for it. And yes, giving the Spendy Spouse the power to buy the shiney-shiney seems quite counter-intuitive indeed. Like throwing gasoline into the fire. However, instead of looking at it as "a waste of money", consider it as an investment in your spouse's "happiness". I know. It makes the money tighter, but... when you marry, you have to make certain sacrifices and compromises, even if it isn't readily apparent at first.
Now, this isn't a solution though. It's just a stopgap measure. Eventually, this Spendy Spouse needs to learn to take some financial responsibilities himself. This part will take time. He doesn't have to become a whiz at it. He just needs to understand that money doesn't grow on trees, and that his share of the money has to be limited. In fact, he just need to understand that if he wants more money than his "allowance", he's just going to have to get a better job!
Hopefully, things will eventually get better for you (and your husband as well), as you figure out and fine-tune your financial relationship together.
October 19th, 2006 at 11:56 pm 1161302176
October 20th, 2006 at 12:13 am 1161303203
As an aside then try to get him to tell you what THINGS SPECIFICALLY that he wants to spend ya'lls money on. The Hubster here likes computer toys. We have thusly created an Electronics/Office Equipment Category in our spending plan and we put so much a month back for this kind of spending. When he wants X we check the fund together. "Ahsoooo, darlin' one, but this nasty ol' budget says you can't get X until March, unless you can find it on sale or can get a coupon or special discount or find another brand of X cheaper elsewhere."
It is not ME who is denying him. It is the budget and his own shopping skills that come into play. I am merely the bookkeeper. Once he sees that "Yes, dearest of wives, the mortgage payment and groceries are higher priority than my getting X today. I can wait but I'm going to keep shopping."
We have just achieved what I like to call 'Budget Compromise'. I'm always willing to throw our Miscellaneous Category funds his way in these conversations as well. Such might go like this -- "So, we've got $$'s in electronics fund and $$'s in the misc. fund plus $$'s in your Monday allowance - is that enough to buy you X or can you wait until March when they'll be having a clearance sale?"
Make it you and he against the budget. Strive creatively with him to get him what he wants. And don't be a scmuck - ask him to do the same for you when something you desire comes up! Keep an open dialogue if you can.
October 20th, 2006 at 12:20 am 1161303652
DH's biggest problem is the fact that we have extra money each month that i'm trying to stash for an EF or use to pay off debt. he wants to borrow from the EF to buy toys, and he's flat out said it doesn't do any good to think about how much interest i'm paying on my car note "You can't think of it that way", he said.... =/ it's hard for him to buy into setting aside $100/ month as a toy fund when he knows i'm stashing a grand a month for EF, retirement, & debt. in his eyes, that grand is a toy now, the debt isn't going away anytime soon, and retirement is so far away...
*trying to find a new way to spin all of this*
October 20th, 2006 at 12:42 am 1161304928
I say compromise specificially - not accomodate which is some sick transfiguration of commode. Don't flush your dreams totally in order to keep him happy. You both made the marriage and whoever created the debt it's both of your's responsibility to meet them now. What he may not see is that if you get the debts down and the interest earned up then he might could get his toys QUICKER. Making everyone somewhat happier!
It is not the stranglehold that most people think it is - budgeting/spending plans FREE you to do what you want with your money - alas it is not always an overnight sensation.
From what I've seen in your posts you are extremely creative and you'll lick this one!
October 20th, 2006 at 01:28 am 1161307711
I think saving habits are somewhat inate and instinctive. I hope your husband will soon come to his senses, or else maybe he'll start adapting some of your frugal habits. In the meantime, hang in there, and keep "gently" persuading him to your ways!