Loyal readers, I'm turing to you for advice and/or suggestions.
As some of you might have gathered, my DH is not the most budget minded person *g* While he is making progress, the list of 'I would really like to have's is getting longer and longer. I feel I have the budget under control thus far, but I'm also preparing myself for when/if things get stickier.
DH's finances have been melded with mine since we started living together. He admits money isn't is strong suite and asked me to take care of it. I happily accepted. When we got married, I took 'for better or worse' to include, among other things, the fact that I was now responsible for debt other than my own. So was he, of course.
After I started my new job and drafted a new budget, the finances worked in such a fashion that all our needs and obligations could be met on my pay alone. DH's contribution to the household kitty (everything other than his allowance and our benefits) could then be used for saving, debt reduction, what-have-you. I think the mistake I made is phrasing it to him in exactly this fashion, and now somewhere in the back of his mind is the thought that we can make it AOK on just my salary and therefore his money can be play money if 'needed'. I don't know if that's the case or not, but it's what I think.
So, I have sat down with our budget and divided the expenses. Splitting shared items (house, utilities, groceries), and alotting our individual debts, well, individually. For instance, I'm allotted the car payment and its property taxes b/c it's in my name, we split the auto insurance b/c it covers both of us, that sort of thing.
After looking at the budget in this fashion, DH's salary covers his expenses with $100 to spare, mine are covered with $950 to spare.
The quandry I am in: if DH pushes the 'we have money let's spend it' argument in the future, should I bring up the fact that he's actually wanting to spend my money? Would it be appropriate for me to offer to give him his surplus every month to do with as he sees fit (i.e. take responsibility for it, good or bad) as long a I get to save my surplus as I see fit?
Lemme know what you think, readers. My inquiring mind wants to know!
Question: Should I be the Budget Bad-Guy?
November 6th, 2006 at 11:34 pm
November 6th, 2006 at 11:42 pm 1162856520
November 6th, 2006 at 11:42 pm 1162856525
November 6th, 2006 at 11:45 pm 1162856719
Can you sit down with him and explain the budget as you have it pictured in your mind and on the spreadsheets? Where you explain that having this emergency fund will allow X to happen in case of Y, and why the auto insurance is saved out of each payperiod so that when due date falls here, you'll have the money on hand and why you want to save W for remodelling and that he'll need Z for his vehicle by such and such date and you want to have him covered with cash on hand, and that both of your license renewals will fall right in the same month as U's birthday, and then there is his mother's b.d., and father's day to think of, etc., etc.
Once he gets a taste that you're trying to cover all the bases don't you think he'll come around?
November 6th, 2006 at 11:47 pm 1162856860
November 6th, 2006 at 11:59 pm 1162857590
Just an idea, use it if it works, discard it if it doesn't
November 7th, 2006 at 12:00 am 1162857600
Just an idea, use it if it works, discard it if it doesn't
November 7th, 2006 at 12:04 am 1162857855
It's easier to not spend money when you feel like you are getting something of value for your efforts. Maybe seeing how one level of savings has him working until 60+ and another has you both free and clear and done with work in his 40's would be a way to become more united on your savings goals.
Lynda
November 7th, 2006 at 12:12 am 1162858344
since your finances are mingled, with the 1st scenario, he thinks the fun money is shared, while you think it's yours. it's awkward to use your and my too often. with the 2nd scenario, i can tell after a few money, he'd be begging for beer money.
i have tried this before. say you make $3,000, he makes $2,000. The expenses are $4,000. since you make 60% of total income, you'd contribute toward 60% of the expenses ($2,400). you keep the net ($600) in your own wallet. he contributes $1,600 and keeps $400 in his wallet. sigh...boys shouldn't be trusted with money...
November 7th, 2006 at 12:22 am 1162858922
I wish I had a long talk with my wife long before we got married. The "MY" money and "YOUR" money idea is fine if you decided it before marriage! You and hubby are a team and the operative word is "OUR" money.
It requires a a sit down and full honesty. Boy does honesty get scary at times! As a team you have to set goals, priorities, strategy, and so on. What do you want and what does he want? Please impress upon him the need to save money for when the wee people start appearing!
The Mine and Yours gambit should only be used when the financial house is teetering and there is no other choice. An allowance of mad money should be set aside for both of you and the rest into savings or reducing debt!
Your hubby sounds like a reasonable guy who has faith in your good judgement. His turning all the finances over to you shows he has trust in your ability. There you have it.
If hubby has a problem have him read my blog and see what spending can do to a marriage and the finances therein!
Complete honesty is the way to go! Oh, also a dollop of patience! Best of luck from one who has been to the mountain!
November 7th, 2006 at 12:26 am 1162859165
Jesrsy Jen, some boys are very responsible with money!
November 7th, 2006 at 12:32 am 1162859533
Have you showed him the newly formatted budget? When he sees that your surplus is nearly 10x's more than his, maybe his tune will change.
November 7th, 2006 at 02:01 am 1162864861
November 7th, 2006 at 03:01 am 1162868518
Well, I think every couple is uniquely different.
As such, where the line is drawn in terms of who is doing what, not just money, but with joint living in general, has to be uniquely drawn.
Having said that, if he is comfortable with it, and if he's willing to agree with it, the simplest solution is to for you to give him a (percentage) cash allowance every pay period. This is his "car gas/play money". In return, he doesn't have to worry about any bills or debts anymore, provided that he's not going to push for more money. Oh, and he would also have to surrender his paychecks to you.
Some couples are actually cool with that. A friend of mine is like that, and Ima's husband as well I think.
Some prefer to work together financially. Still, I am a very strong proponent of keeping your finances separate. In which case, you can operate more like what my ex and I did back in the day. Specifically, we split all the bills down to whatever we knew we could handle. For example, I actually didn't care about the cable or cellphone bill (believe it or not), but my ex did, so she was in charge of paying that. If she didn't keep up with it, then there was no one else to blame when the cellphone or cable gets cut off. On the other hand, I cared very much to have electricity, gas, and water in the house, and naturally, if I dropped the ball (which I never did), I have only myself to blame.
Whatever it is, I recommend to kind of keep it simple. Yes, it's not "your" money and "my" money. It's "our" money, but if you're anything like my ex and I who has tried to mix our monies together, I think you'll find that it causes more problems than it solves. I couldn't keep track of her spending, and she accused me of siphoning and squirreling away hers. Etc. Again, rather than merging the two paychecks, we found it easier and more practical to simply split the bills.
Anyways, you can also try something in between the two. Whatever it is, the most important advice has already been given, but it is worth re-emphasize again: Please communicate! Have a time and place to sit down and work these things out before hand.
That's my $.02 on it anyways. Good luck!
November 7th, 2006 at 03:14 am 1162869287
November 7th, 2006 at 04:02 am 1162872126
November 7th, 2006 at 04:15 am 1162872945
I think you'll have to make your debt reduction, savings goals, and emergency fund replenishment additional line items in your budget and rebalance your individual budgets so that each of you will have about 10-15% discretionary.
The other chat you need to have is the 'want' chat. Ask DH to list out his Christmas list. Are they things that only he'll enjoy or things that you'll both enjoy? Will it possble that by waiting you'll get a better deal or that you can combine wants? If DH digs electronics, that happens quite a bit. Ask DH how he (or you both) will use his wants.
It sounds like he chaffing under the bit, perhaps feels a bit "whipped". Is he getting teased?
November 7th, 2006 at 05:20 am 1162876804
I always love to listen to the tough guys who say they are the boss! It sure is funny when they get on the phone or the wife shows up!
Tina, you don't have to whine or yell. Just be straight up and tell it like it is!! Being honest and straightforward is always best in my book! Sounds like there is a ton of advice here for you and DH to evaluate!
Oh and here is a quote from my mom, " you can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinegar"!
November 7th, 2006 at 06:04 am 1162879440
At the rate he likes to spend, you will probably need triple the amount of a normal couple in retirement funds because he will probably want to spend just as much then as he does now, only then there won't be new income coming in to defer it.
Price--What is it they say, something about if you really want to catch flies, use a dead possum. I've seen that posted somewhere around here.
November 7th, 2006 at 06:54 am 1162882455
Think positive thoughts! People can and do change!
November 7th, 2006 at 12:36 pm 1162903002
"And how are you planning to pay for that?"
WAIT...
WAIT.....
WAIT FOR IT....
'Oh I hadn't even thought about THAT!"
GEE Willikers Peeps!! I always wag my head about then!
Could you work with him on making a list of the things he wants? At some point you might be able to convince him that he can't have everything he wants. None of us can...we wouldn't have anywhere to put it all.
Could you post a list on the frig "Hubby's Want List" with the numbers 1-5 already listed on it and no room on the paper for a number 6 or more?
Tell him you'll help him save to get his wants fulfilled but if he comes up with more than 5 that something else will have to be crossed off the list.
We all have to learn to prioritize at some point, maybe this is a skill he hasn't quite yet mastered?
It is sometimes helpful to have a list of budgeted expenses ready either in your mind or written down in your wallet to be able to pull out while shopping to remind him and yourself even of what's at stake.
House taxes 600.00 year = 50 mth due Dec 31 on hand 150.11
Car Reg. Fee 175.00 year=14.60 mth expires Oct 22 on hand 43.85
Hubby's New Tires 400.00=33.35 mth NEEDED March 2007 on hand 100.09
Refrigerator Fund 1400.00=38.88 mth replace in July 2008 on hand 116.72
Drv. License Renew 48.00=4.00 mth due Jan 1 & Mar 31 bal on hand 12.00
Co-Pay = 15.00 mth balance on hand 45.00
Car Battery = 3.00 mth 54.00 NEEDED by Feb 2008 balance on hand 16.04
etc., etc.
TOTAL MONTHLY =
-income of ______
equals $______ monthly remaining for play money
Once you've explained that there is no money left for play because all of these OTHER things have to be covered then it is easier for folks to understand why there are no $$'s today to play with.
If they still balk ask which would they rather be cut out of your lives -- the electricity perhaps? or maybe we should have the water to the house turned off??? Seriously honey - where would you like us to cut back??
At some point he either has to be adult enough to understand the issues or is just being totally unreasonable and you'd then need to go to bad guy mode.
I think it often takes visiting and revisiting the budget on semi-regular basis for folks to begin understanding that there are things that are too easily forgotten in the heat of the gimmee Gimmee GIMMEE whines at the stores!
I wish you good luck!! I'll also encourage you the same way someone did Gruntina on the forums, David Bach's Smart Couples Finish Rich books wouldn't be bad for you guys to go thru together.
November 7th, 2006 at 03:44 pm 1162914291
When he needs a tool, he asks first. Of course, i always say yes, because 1. he needs it for work. 2. we can afford it. If we couldn't, i would tell him he has to wait . He never has the problem of worrying about money and he likes it that way. He knows I am frugal and he trusts me with his money.
November 8th, 2006 at 01:05 am 1162947909
November 9th, 2006 at 01:23 am 1163035439
November 9th, 2006 at 01:24 am 1163035451